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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.