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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"