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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I just awesomed all over the place.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”