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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.