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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.