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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?