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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.