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word of the day: nincomtard
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Your things are terrific.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.