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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.