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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.