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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
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Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.