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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........