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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.