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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?