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I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.