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If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!