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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.