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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.