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Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
:): The Bipolar smiley face