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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)