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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.