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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.