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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.