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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I drink because people talk.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
My misery likes tequila, not company.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.