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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
2 words, 1 finger.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.