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I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.