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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."