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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
My brain has too many tabs open.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.