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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?