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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!