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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.