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Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...