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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Trust me, I am a liar.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.