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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)