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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.