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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.