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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.