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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
I flunked anger management class.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"