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I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.