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“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Being alive is so expensive.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"