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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.