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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.