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My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness