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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.