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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.