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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
I think...therefore, I am.....single
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.