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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.