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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
I just awesomed all over the place.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"