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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?