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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.