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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!