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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.