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Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.