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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
New day, same old bullsh!t
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.