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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.