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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
Some people should come with subtitles.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.