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French people give me the crepes.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.