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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.