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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!