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Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.