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Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
The word bed looks like a bed.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.