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Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
So much to do and so few alibis.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.