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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.