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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?