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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."