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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.