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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.