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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Wishing you a fabulous 2014 that is full of great achievements and experiences. A meaningful chapter waiting to be written HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?