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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.