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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!