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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
It’s not pretty being easy.