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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.