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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.