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Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.