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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well