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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective