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Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.