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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.