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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.