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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.