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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.