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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.