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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store