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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.