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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.