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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Lol at birds that walk places.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.