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The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.