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Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Marriage tip: Don`t
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
This patience thing takes forever.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.