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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"