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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.