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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.