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Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned