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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.