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As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
The problem with diets is pizza.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
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