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Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.