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If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.