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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..