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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
Are walruses just vampire manatees?
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.