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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
I only accept apologies in cash.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.