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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!