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I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom