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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.