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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.