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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I`ve given up on giving up.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!