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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.