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I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.