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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???