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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
I dare you to spit on this status.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.