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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.