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There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.